Still the youngest.

I'm the youngest of seven kids. Since my birthday's in the summer, I was always one of the youngest kids in my school classes. I've always had friends and family that are a bit older than I, so reaching age milestones has never really seemed like that big of a deal. Everyone else had already gone through that "portal" of life, so I could just follow in their footsteps. I hoped that turning 30 would be the same way. Most of my friends and family members are already over 30, so why should I have such a hard time with this "coming of age" time of life?

The problem is, I really do feel old. I feel old... I look old.... I probably even smell old. I looked in the mirror this morning and could swear that the bags under my eyes had gotten a shade darker. My back is constantly hurting. I went to the chiropractor yesterday and he told me I have scoliosis (btw, is there a woman in the world who has gone through childbirth and doesn't have scoliosis?)

I try to think of all the things I have accomplished in my 30 years...I have a college degree (lot of good that's doing for me right now). I have a wonderful husband who I've been married to for almost nine years and still like to hang out with. I have four beautiful, healthy children. The problem is, I still don't feel like I'm the 30-year-old woman I want to be. I'm not the kind of friend I want to be. I don't always reach out and think of others as much as I should. I tend to be a little bit selfish at times. I still like to rely on other people to be the responsible, dependable adults, while I continue on in my dependent, immature ways.

At 30, there are still lots of things I don't know how to do. I've never planted a successful garden. I don't know how to can or make jam. I'm a terrible scrap booker. I don't know how to decorate my house, style my hair or dress the way I want to. I'm constantly forgetting things. I can never remember people's names or birthdays or numbers of any kind really. (That's been a lifelong problem, though, so I probably can't really blame it on age.)

So, I'm 30 years old today. Still can't quite get a grip on that. And I've still got some growing up to do. But even though I might feel old and look old, and maybe even smell old, chances are I'm still younger than you!