Plans.

Have you ever had the feeling that you weren't living up to your potential?  Like maybe there was something that God wanted to give you, but you were terrified to accept it?  Like maybe there was something missing in the plan you have made for yourself?  Maybe God's plan has something more?  But what if that something more would require more of you, so you weren't really sure you wanted to know what it was?  Or you knew what it was, but were unwilling to entertain the possibility?  I believe that God gives us challenges to make us strong, and many of those challenges really are and can become our greatest blessings.

Three months ago, I went in for my annual woman's exam.  I had been feeling for some time the unexplainable urge to have my intrauterine contraceptive device removed.  I didn't necessarily want to get pregnant.  I wouldn't necessarily become pregnant.  I was on a second form of birth control, after all, and most days I feel like I already have more children than I can handle.  But there was a definite nudging from somewhere that this IUD needed to come out.  Turns out, it was a good thing I listened.  The device had become somewhat stuck, and my doctor said she had never, EVER had so much difficulty removing an IUD.  If we had waited another year or two or three, I would have had a real problem on my hands.  So, maybe that was it then.  I felt prompted to have the IUD removed because it was becoming unhealthy for my body.  Nothing more.  Nothing less. 

I may have mentioned on this blog before that I love, love, LOVE being a mother.  Truly.  There is positively nothing else that compares to the fulfillment and sacred privilege of bringing these sweet spirits into the world.  But it literally takes me like two seconds to get pregnant.  How do I decide what to do with that talent?  That responsibility?  How do I decide when to open myself up to receive another one of God's spirit children?  When do I say enough is enough?  My logic and my society tell me I don't need anymore children.  Five is already a lot!  Plus, with our youngest nearly four, Justin and I are in the sweet spot of parenthood right now.  The kids are all potty trained and relatively independent.  We're not tied to anyone's nap schedule.  Traveling and family outings have become almost pleasurable again.  The thought of going back to sleepless nights and mindless crying and endless diaper changing does not appeal to me in the least.  Yet, every child sent to our home is a choice and cherished blessing.  If God has another blessing to send, why would I deny it?       

After my IUD was removed, I missed a period.  My mood had been all over the place, and my whole body felt out of whack.  I felt a small flutter of excited anticipation as I picked up a home pregnancy test at the grocery store.  The results were negative.  I felt relieved...and maybe a little disappointed?  Could that be possible?

I initially started taking the birth control pill to help with acne.  It hasn't helped my acne.  In fact, all it's done is thrown my menstrual cycle completely out of whack and caused me to put on an extra 10-15 pounds these past six months.  (Surely the pill must be the culprit.  Not my excessive Oreo consumption or my mid-30-year-old slowing metabolism, right?)  

After the negative pregnancy test, I made a decision.  This is my short season in life when childbirth is possible.  Not many more years, and my fertility will dry up and I will be content to grow old, leaving in my wake the posterity that God has allowed me to enjoy.  I will have no regrets.  I will make myself available to receive another baby if that's what God has in store for me.  So, I stopped taking the pill. 

Two days ago, my period was late.  Two days ago, the little plastic stick from the drug store showed a plus sign.  Two days ago, I was reeling with terror at the reality that presented itself.  I'm going to have a baby.  Another baby.  Six kids?  I've always said that six sounds like a whole lot more than five.  Nothing to do now but hang on tight and trust that God will strengthen and stretch (pun intended?) and mold me into the person I am meant to be.  The person I need to be.  The person I will have to be to take on this challenge...this privilege...this blessing.  

I look back on my life at the big decisions that have seemed so contrary to my plan at the time:  Getting married at 21 rather than serving a mission.  Moving to Missouri, where, who moves to Missouri?  Deciding to homeschool after swearing countless times that I'm not the "homeschooling type".  Do I regret a single one of those decisions?  No.  Absolutely not.  I cannot imagine where I'd be today without them.  My life is more than it could have ever been because I chose to set my plans aside and allowed God's will to plow the way.  

I am so excited to have a baby!  I know that this child will be every bit of good and holy and bright and joy that each of the previous five are.  This choice son or daughter will increase the light and happiness in our home.  I cannot wait to meet our new addition!  (Well, maybe I can wait a while.  I'll need some time to find a crib...and figure out a place to put it...and buy diapers...lots and lots and lots of diapers.)  

Speaking of plans, here's the latest draft of our dream house in the making.  I think we're getting close!  Adding another family member to the mix might expedite the process even more!  We are so ready to get this thing built!!!