Confession: Sometimes I Cuss...

All of my life, I've been taught that cursing is wrong. It is ugly, offensive and as the scriptures say, it "defileth a man" (Matthew 15:11). I have been taught to "bridle the tongue" and refrain from swearing out loud... however I confess that there are days when there is an awful lot of cussing going on in my head...

Yesterday was just such a day. It started Sunday afternoon when we ran out of bread at our house. My 2-year-old niece, Rylee, and 5-year-old nephew, Landon, came over to spend the night, and I knew that it would be hard for me to get to the store on Monday with two extra kids in tow, so I might have to be creative at lunch time and make something besides the usual peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that my kids generally eat. Not so bad...I can deal with that. (I haven't gotten to the cussing part yet.)

As we were getting ready for bed Sunday night, Justin mentioned that the people from the office might be getting together for dinner Monday night and he asked if I wanted to come. Of course there is nothing I would enjoy more than a night out with my husband, but it would all depend on whether or not I could find a last-minute babysitter to watch my four young children at dinner time on a school night. I silently wished that Justin had given me a little more notice about the dinner, but decided it was no big deal so I would refrain from cussing just yet.

Monday morning came, and six children were up and running around my house at 6:30 a.m. My boys were so excited to have their cousins over, and they were all playing happily down to the basement. As they were playing, I realized that Brock's usual ride to school was out of town and I didn't have enough seats in my minivan to load all of the children up and drive Brock to school. Luckily, Justin didn't have to be at work until 9am, so he could drop Brock off on the way. No problem. No cussing.

Justin took Brock to school and then drove to work, a 45 minute commute, and after he was gone, I realized that I had left my diaper bag, purse and cell phone in his truck. Still no big deal, right? There were plenty of diapers at home, I was already planning on going through the day without a trip to the store, and I really never use my cell phone anyway, so I could certainly live without it for one day...still not cussing yet...

By 8:30am, the five pre-schoolers at my house were already tired of the basement, so we decided to go to the park. It was still pretty cool outside, but at least there was a nice breeze so we could successfully fly a kite. Of course, I only brought one kite, and there were four children who wanted to fly it. (Eden didn't really care about the kite.) By the time we left the park, everyone was crying over who got the longest turn flying the kite. Curse that stupid kite.

We went home and decorated sugar cookies....couldn't go wrong there. Then the kids went back outside to ride bikes in the driveway. While they were playing, I decided to work on coordinating childcare for the evening, still hoping I'd be able to make it to dinner with my husband. First I called my sister, Bev. We had originally made plans to take all of our kids swimming after school at which point she would take Landon and Rylee home with her. I called to see if we could change plans and meet earlier so that I could have time to get ready and go to dinner with Justin in Jefferson City. We planned to meet at Marshall's at 2:30 and she would take her kids home from there. I didn't dare ask her to watch my kids for the evening since she had spent all day deep-cleaning her house for a special event and I knew that my kids would probably un-do all of the hard work she had done that day if I sent them home with her. After I hung up with Bev, I called my first choice for last-minute babysitting: my awesome friend Nancy who is always willing to rescue me whenever I need rescuing. Unfortunately, I was too late and Nancy had already made plans to go to dinner at her neighbor's house that evening. I thought about other people to call, but kept coming up with reasons why they probably wouldn't appreciate such a big request at the last minute. I decided that I just couldn't bring myself to ask anyone to watch four extra kids at dinner time, especially with an infant who still doesn't take a bottle very well. I called Justin and told him I wouldn't be able to make it to dinner and I would just see him when he got home.

I could write a whole post about the thoughts and feelings that were running through me for the rest of the afternoon. I was frustrated that it was so hard for me to ask anyone to babysit my kids. Going out to dinner should not be this complicated. Why did it seem so impossible to just ask someone to babysit? Then I was annoyed at myself for being so upset about a stupid dinner. This is my husband we're talking about. We could plan another night to go out to dinner. It's really not a big deal. But I really wanted to go. I could really use a night out, and this was my chance to finally get to know everyone from the office. Then again, Justin will be working at this office for a long time, and I'm sure there will be plenty of chances for me to get to know his co-workers. Such was the inward battle going on in my head...mild cursing begins.

Lunch time came around and there was still no bread for sandwiches. I decided to make macaroni and cheese. I boiled the water and added the noodles. When it came time to add the rest of the ingredients, I realized that I was out of butter! How could that happen? I never run out of butter! I purposely buy way more butter than I need so to make sure that I always have TONS of butter and I never run out of butter! So, in the end we just had a "lighter version" of macaroni and cheese.

After lunch, it was nap time. I decided that even though we had canceled plans to go swimming after school, I could still take the five little kids swimming before meeting Bev at 2:30. I woke everyone up at 1:00 and we headed to the pool. The water was freezing, and even though my boys don't ever seem to feel the "cold" sensation, Bev's kids were both shivering and turning purple. By 2:00, everyone was ready to leave the pool. We got to Marshall's and parked next to Bev's Suburban. I was wishing that I had my purse so I could go inside and shop, or at least go to the grocery store next door and buy some bread and butter, but my purse was still in Justin's truck, so I didn't have any money.

Bev came out of the store and got her kids, and I headed to the school to pick up Brock. When Brock got into the van and saw that his cousins were already gone and his brothers were in their wet swimming shorts, he was devastated. He started to sob about the injustice that was being done. He called me a liar because I had promised that we would go swimming after school with his cousins and now we had already gone without him. He complained that he never gets to do anything fun at school and we always do fun stuff without him. He was crying, and then I started crying. I was feeling the exact same way about not being able to go to dinner with Justin. I never get to do fun stuff at home. He always gets to do fun stuff without me. It's not fair!!! I decided that it was pointless for both Brock and me to be disappointed, so we might as well just go back to the pool so at least one of us could be happy. We stopped by the house so Brock could change into his swimming shorts. I snagged the leftover sugar cookies and we headed to the pool.

The water was warmer now, and after a few minutes of splashing around, I was feeling much better. If I can't go out to dinner with my husband, at least I get to spend time at the pool with my kids. It was a beautiful day, and I was truly enjoying myself. We hadn't been there long before Nancy showed up with her kids, and we all decorated sugar cookies together. It was turning out to be a very pleasant afternoon, and I was finally getting over the dinner date disappointment. Nancy's husband, Aaron, showed up at the pool and we were all enjoying our sugar cookies when Aaron got a call on his cell phone from his neighbor that they were planning to have dinner with that night. The neighbor called to say that he had some unexpected company come from out of town and that they might not be able to have then over after all! Aaron got off the phone and told me to hurry and go meet Justin for dinner. They would take all of the kids to their house and I could have my date! I had to stop and think for a minute because I still didn't have my cell phone, I didn't know where Justin was going for dinner, and I hadn't brought dry clothes for the kids or a bottle for Eden, or anything. I hesitated, but my awesome friends insisted that they would take care of everything and that I should just go...quickly! Nancy loaned me her cell phone so I could call Justin on the way and get directions to the restaurant. I jumped in the van and headed home to quickly change my clothes. I felt shameful that I had been such a brat all day, feeling sorry for myself that I couldn't go out to dinner. Why do I always have to get everything that I want? I was truly thrilled, though, and cranked up the radio in the minivan, like a free-spirited teen with no kids to worry about and a much-needed date!!! Finally, I could have a relaxing, stress-free evening with no more cussing in my head. Little did I know that the mind-cussing had only just begun...

I left the pool around 4:30. I called and left a message on Justin's cell phone telling him that I would be able to join him for dinner after all. I assumed that he was still working and would get the message and call me back. By 5:00 I was on my way to Jefferson City, but I still hadn't heard back from Justin. I called again, and left another voice mail message, telling him I was on my way. I still had no idea where he was going for dinner and needed him to call me back and give me directions to the restaurant. By 5:30, I was almost to Jefferson City, and I still hadn't heard anything from Justin. Maybe he was working late, and hadn't gotten my messages yet. Then again, maybe they got done early and he was at the restaurant and couldn't hear his phone ringing. I decided to keep calling in case he was in a noisy place and was having a hard time hearing his phone. I called 15 times in a row. Still no answer. (I was beginning to feel like a stalker.) I called Aaron and asked him to look up the office phone number and see if he could catch anyone there. No answer. The office was closed. I got to the dental office and the parking lot was deserted. I called and left one last message on Justin's cell phone. "Justin, I'm crying. Where are you?" At this point, I was beginning to realize that my dinner date was indeed not going to happen. Still hopeful that he'd get my messages and call me back, I decided to drive down the main highway in Jefferson City and just look for his truck. Silly idea, I know, but what else could I do? I still didn't have my purse so I couldn't go shopping or out to dinner on my own, so maybe I could find his truck and slash his tires or something worthwhile. I drove around until 7pm before I decided to head back and pick up the kids.

I was bugged. Why wasn't Justin answering his cell phone? A part of me wanted to believe that there was a perfectly good reason. Maybe his battery was dead. But the phone wasn't going straight to voice mail like it does when the battery is dead, so that couldn't be it. Maybe he forgot his cell phone in the truck. But it's 7pm and he's been gone all day! Wouldn't he at least try to call me at home and let me know when he was planning to be back? Then he would see that I had called him 30 times and left 15 voice mail messages. What on earth is his problem? Then I started doing the whole pity party thing again. (Remember I had 45 minutes to do nothing but think while I drove home.) "Why does he get to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to? He shouldn't have gone out to dinner without me. He should have come straight home when he heard that I couldn't find a sitter for tonight. This is inexcusable behavior. Why hasn't he called me back!?" Still, a part of me knew that Justin would certainly have a good excuse. He always does. He never intentionally does things to hurt me. Then I started to worry. "What if something terrible happened? What if he had an accident and is in the hospital? What if they're trying to call my cell phone, but it's still in the back of Justin's truck." I tried calling my home phone to check if there were any messages on the answering machine, but there weren't any. It was getting close to 8pm when I got back to Nancy's to pick up the kids. Now I was feeling really embarrassed. How pathetic am I? I just drove an hour and a half for nothing. How desperate do I look? Did I just get stood up by my husband? This is so horrible. Is there anywhere to hide? Aaron was in the driveway when I pulled up at his house. He offered his condolences and told me that I should have Justin sleep on the couch for the rest of the week. I said that Justin might be better off getting a hotel room. I played out in my mind a million different conversations that might take place when Justin finally did get home that night. I began to wish that I hadn't left him any voice messages. I didn't want him to know that I had driven that far to see him. I didn't want him to think he was worth it. I still hadn't eaten anything since the sugar cookie at the pool, but I didn't want to eat anything at this point because I was so sick to my stomach.

After I got home, I put the kids to bed and tried to calm down a little. I decided to wait until I heard Justin's side of the story before I let myself do or say anything that I would later regret. I honestly believe that I was given divine help to calm myself down because when Justin called at 8:45, I was genuinely pleasant on the phone. I was cheerful and calm and ready to laugh the whole thing off. I waited to hear his reason for not calling sooner.

As soon as he started talking, I realized how clueless he was about the whole ordeal. He had no idea that I had been trying to call him, or that I had just spent the past four hours cussing him out in my mind. He told me about the weird day he had at work, and that he kept having this strange, uneasy feeling all afternoon. He thought he might have an idea of what it was about, but I thought I knew it was probably something else. I asked him where his cell phone had been all night. "In my pocket" was his reply. I asked him if he had checked his voice messages. He said that he hadn't. I told him to check his voice messages and then call me back. I waited by the phone for his call. I was laughing now. The hilarity of this day was beginning to sink in. A few minutes later, the phone rang. Justin's voice on the line simply said, "That makes me want to throw up." I agreed. It was pretty pathetic. His excuse was simple. He was in a noisy restaurant and hadn't heard his phone ring all night. He had seen that someone had called, but he didn't recognize the phone number because I was using Nancy's cell phone. He did try calling the house but he hadn't left any messages. He had no idea that he had done anything wrong. Such a sweet, simple man. I love him so much. He of course felt horrible about the whole thing. I quickly forgave him, and then got my purse out of his truck and went to the grocery store to buy bread.