"Four Eyes"

Once upon a time, there was an ornery, stubborn mother who thought she knew better than anyone else about what was best for her children. She defied the authority of medical professionals and school district personnel, dodging mandates and slipping through loopholes in order to do what she felt was "best" for her precious babies.

When the school district told her that her twins' 2nd & 3rd Hepatitis B vaccines were given too close together and they would have to get a 4th shot in order to attend school, she said, "What? No way! Not my kids! I've heard some people talk about the dangers of over-vaccinating their children! And how could it possibly matter if a shot was given a week too early, anyway? They still got the shot! It's not like the body knows the difference between a week too early or late. Who was the negligent pediatrician who screwed up on the shot schedule anyway? Maybe she should be the one forced to get an extra immunization shot!" Year after year, the ornery, stubborn mother would go to the health department, meet with a community health nurse, and fill out a "religious exemption" card, stating that it was "against her religion" to immunize her children, just so they would be allowed to attend school even with their tainted shot record.

When the school district mandated that every child be given a comprehensive eye exam before starting kindergarten, the mother who thought she knew better than anyone else about what was best for her children declined, knowing full well that "twin A" had no problems whatsoever with his eyesight. "He had his eyes checked at his 5-year well child checkup. He read the eye chart perfectly! Who do these government employees think they are trying to force me to pay for an unnecessary appointment with an optometrist?" She asked. Just to be on the safe side, she took "twin B" to an optometrist, since he was the one who seemed to struggle with the eye chart, but then she rebelliously wrote "opt out" on the school form for "twin A", and never looked back.

On the third consecutive year that the know-it-all mom received notice from the school that her twins' immunizations were insufficient, she went to the phone. She called the pediatrician's office in San Antonio, the one who gave the screwed up immunizations in the first place, and chewed out the receptionist. The receptionist was no help at all. She had the nerve to tell the mother who knew better that "if the school says you need to give your kids another shot, you don't really have a choice, you have to give your kids another shot." Um...wrong answer! THIS mother ALWAYS has a choice!!!
She called her family doctor, and asked if he could write a letter stating that her kids were indeed sufficiently immunized so that the school would leave her alone. He said he was happy to help, but would like to have the twins in for a checkup, just to make sure everything was indeed "okay".

The day of the twins' checkup arrived. Being the efficient time-saver that she is, smart mom scheduled the exam for the same time as her daughter's 3-year check and baby's 6-month exam. "No way am I spending more than one afternoon sitting at the doctors' office!" the all-knowing mother thought as she sat confidently in the waiting room, nursing a 6-month-old while filling out new patient forms and trying to stop her newly potty-trained 3-year-old from peeing on the carpet or crawling under her nursing blanket. The nurse called for the family, and the parade of pediatrics began. Two nurses tag teamed to get the kids all weighed and measured. Then a third nurse had the kids line up in front of the eye chart. "Twin B" went first, reading off lines like a pro. Then it was "Twin A"s turn. He covered his right eye and the nurse pointed to one of the lines of letters towards the bottom of the eye chart. He rattled off some letters, none of them even close to what was there. She moved her pointer up a line. More wrong letters. She moved up again, and again. Finally, by the time she reached the 2nd line from the top, she looked at the mother and asked, "Does he know his letters?" Dumbfounded, the mother replied, "Um....I think so?" "Twin A" switched eyes. Sure enough, he could read the letters with his right eye, so literacy was not the problem. Huh. The mother was dumbfounded. She immediately called the optometrist and scheduled an eye exam.

Before long, the family doctor entered the room. The mother explained her immunization issue. The doctor listened, sympathized, and validated the mother's concerns. He said he'd see what he could do, left the room, and came back to inform the mother that yes, indeed, the immunizations were insufficient and it was necessary for the twins to receive a 4th Hepatitis vaccination. Ouch. The mother's already wounded ego was completely blown. This know-it-all was utterly humiliated.

The next morning, November 4, "twin A" had his eye exam. "Astigmatism", and "amblyopia" were some of the fancy "A" words we heard at the appointment. Austin picked out some stylish "Skechers" frames and could hardly wait for the prescription to be filled. In the meantime, his mother (me) was once again second guessing authority. "The optometrist we went to is young and inexperienced. Maybe we should take Austin to a specialist, someone who's dealt with this particular condition before." Justin called his old eye doctor in San Antonio who recommended a pediatric opthomologist in Kansas City.

We scheduled an appointment to see Dr. Cibis on Friday, November 12th. While Justin was at the appointment with Austin, I took the four other kids to the Hallmark visitor's center and "Kaleidoscope", where we had a blast creating original art masterpieces inside this amazingly cool atmosphere of fun! After our art session, we met back up with Justin and Austin, and learned that they had walked out of the eye exam because the opthamologist turned out to be an arrogant arse. (Sounds familiar? I know.) As Justin put it, "we drove 3 hours one way, paid $200 for Austin's eye exam with a specialist, then walked out halfway through the exam because the guy was a jerk. Valuable lesson on how not to treat patients. Best money I've ever spent."

So, what have I learned from this whole experience?

a) Austin looks really, really adorable in his glasses, and I'm confident they will make a world of difference with his reading!

b) It really is a good idea to get your kids' eyes checked regularly, even if you don't think they need it. (I'm taking Brock & Brandon in to the optometrist on Thursday...young and inexperienced though he may be.)

c) No matter how hard you try to do what's best for your kids, you'll probably still do everything wrong.

d) And finally, if you're an arrogant arse, please don't specialist in pediatrics!